The powerful mind

I was thinking about depression this morning. Not that I'm depressed or what, although I do know a few people who are dealing with different levels of depression personally.

A friend posted this as her status on facebook recently: depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long. Do you agree with this? I used to think that depression will only hit the weak-minded people but now I'm not so sure anymore. Especially after going thru Aiden's first year where he totally brought out the most vulnerable side of me and threw me off my line. I was the last person I thought would ever get depressed. Even my mum used to joke about how I would only make people around me depressed (thanks mum). Now, I am convinced that depression can hit anybody and there can be many reasons why it happens. But even though it may not be a sign of weakness, I don't believe it happens just because you have been trying to be too strong either.

I used to follow a very popular blog that documents her daily life as a mother of 3. Her blog is very inviting and full of positive energy. At one point, it even made me wonder if it was really true that her life is only flooded with sunshine and rainbows. I stopped reading not because I was jealous or being a sour grape. I just felt that everything she wrote appeared to be too try hard, staged, and well, simply unreal. But recently, I went into her site just to check (and I had nothing else to read on the internet) and read a post where she came clean about how she actually has been suffering from depression (varying degrees at different times) for the past 5 years! Was I surprised? Not really. but I do give her credit for confessing. What I am now wondering is, all the great, beautiful, positive stuff that she has been writing about on her blog, are they written as a cover for the negative feelings she has inside her? Is she doing this as a form of self-therapy? Did she feel the need to write about only the good stuff so that she could remind herself that life is beautiful?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to determine if she is right or wrong. There isn't even one in the first place. Everyone deals with their problems differently. But what I do know is, our mind is a very powerful tool. Whenever I feel down, I go in search of the resilient heart inside me. When I find it, I calm down to re-focus. I follow a path and seek my way out. If you are in some kind of depression, you lose your way. That was what happened to me in that first year of motherhood. I was lost for the very first time in my life. When you are lost, you fear. When you fear, you frantic. When you frantic, you start to spin. And that is when all negative emotions set in. If you keep holding on to the bad feelings and unpleasant experiences, you will never get out of the maze. In the more serious cases, people sink.

Yesterday, I was reading a blog that I came across recently. She is an american with 2 young children, of which one is suffering from down syndrome. She only found out about this when the child was born. It was of course devastating but it seems like she came to terms very quickly. She accepted the fact and now writes this blog where she focuses about enjoying the small things in life. She did admit the fact that she sometimes cries when things happen, she uses her mind to overcome it. In her own words, she wrote "Every time I begin to sink, I remind myself that I am a rockstar. And rockstars know that life is beautiful. Life has challenges. Life teaches you things. And life is all how you look at it."

Will she ever breakdown one day? Has she really accepted and come to terms with the unfortunate situation? Not denying is one thing, but totally accepting and feeling okay about it is another. Is she saying the above becasue she needs to hear it herself? That she has to constantly remind herself that this is how she should look at life. She is not a friend but I do wish her all the best.

I don't what had called for this post. Perhaps it was because I had an accident where my car collided with a bike this morning and felt shitty about it. I'm physically ok but the man on the bike had to be sent to the hospital. Not unconscious or anything. He was hurt on the arm and leg and so couldn't walk. So after I came home, I felt so lousy about the whole incident. I didn't like the fact that this had happened after I have been driving with no bad records for more than 10 years in Singapore and Australia. I wondered if the man is fine. I kept replaying the whole accident in my brain and tried to find an answer to whether or not I was entirely at fault. I kept wondering if I could have been more careful.

And all of a sudden, something reminded me to search for that heart again. The mind is indeed a very powerful thing. I calmed down and let go. Let go of the thoughts and let go for the negative feelings. My heart is no longer heavy and my mind is clearing up. Re-focus. That's what we always have to do in life. Imperfections are what make life beautiful. And most importantly, learn to love yourself.
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