Challenging times

I can't believe I'm doing this again. When I fell into postnatal depression after Aiden was born, I felt I was done. Done with babies. I was never a child-friendly person to begin with and Aiden being a very difficult and fussy baby for pretty much the first year really didn't help. But after he turned 2, I started to think about my family's future again. My husband has always wanted to have another child and deep down in my heart, I can't deny a family of 4 looks more like a picture perfect. So as much as I was never really excited about being a mother again, I couldn't completely write the idea off either. For the last few years, I kinda checked this idea in the KIV file of my to-do list. Being not very fertile (confirmed by doctor), I didn't think my chances of conceiving again is very high anyway. So we have been letting nature takes its own course. I thought I will conceive again it's meant to be.

So I'm now coming 8 weeks pregnant. And this pregnancy so far as compared to my first one has been pretty bad. The only reason why I'm writing today is because I am feeling alot better as compared to the last couple of days and wanted to make use of this sudden burst of energy to document my thoughts. Well, before I go bedridden again.

I haven't eaten much the last couple of days which is so not normal of me. Yesterday I could barely keep half a bowl of plain rice porridge down and was pretty much in bed the whole time. I was in so much pain that I couldn't stop myself from crying. The pain from having a constant gastric (some may say it's heartburn), the pain from extreme backache, and the pain from my active keloids (scars being active because of raging hormones). I also started feeling nauseous and kept waking up in the middle of the night wanting to throw up. Mentally I was trying to stay strong (and sane), but physically I felt pain and weak from the lack of food. I felt I couldn't focus because my body was trying to deal with the pain from all the different avenues.

A large part of me was also feeling helpless, a feeling I always get when I fall sick while living in a foreign land. It is times like this that you will miss your family and closest friends. Miss being taken care off. Miss having someone you know you can turn to for help. Aiden did not go to school on last Friday and I really struggled thru the day with him. I wanted only to curl up in bed but he wanted my attention. And even when I couldn't eat, he needed to so I had to summon whatever energy I had left to make food for him. Yesterday he had no school again (he only goes 3 days a week) but luckily my filipino domestic helper was here in the morning and I paid her to stay until 6pm so that Aiden could be looked after while I go bedridden again.

The costs here in Japan is really high. Just for staying from 9am to 6pm yesterday, I paid the helper SGD180. Five days of such will be equivalent to what my Aunt in Singapore pays for her fulltime, live-in domestic helper in a month! It is so expensive here that I feel the pinch each time I pay my helper. But now, she is a saint to me. Anyone who can help me during these challenging times will be my god.

Sometimes I wonder what is harder: being a pregnant fulltime working woman, or being a pregnant fulltime housewife and mother? It is human nature to want to feel sorry for oneself so I'll stick to the latter. No, actually being a pregnant fulltime housewife and mother living in a foreign land is the hardest! Last night I told my husband that as much as I love Japan, maybe it's time to consider moving back to Singapore or Perth again. I'm very independent and I'm strong but I am allowed to feel tired too right?

On a positive note, my 2 boys have been great and supportive. My husband has been taking care of Aiden over the weekend and when he comes home from work. He even prepared Aiden's lunch and snack box for school this morning. As for the little boy, he has been nothing but sweet. Eversince we told him about the pregnancy, he has been super excited and talking to my tummy often. He even tells "the baby" how his day went when he came home from school! When I walk down the stairs, he tells me to be careful not to fall as I have a baby in my tummy. And when I told my husband I had no appetite the other day, he reminded that I had to eat because the baby needed to eat! It was all so cute and sweet.

Time to take a rest again. And hopefully things can only get better. It has to!
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