Perhaps it's about time for a medal

So I have finally watched the movie Sex and The City 2 last Saturday. Wasn't looking forward to the plot (they really should have wrapped up the series with the first movie in my opinion) but which gal can resist the clothes, bags, shoes and all the glamour? The storyline was really just blah but there was a part where Charlotte and Miranda were having a drink by the bar and sharing their downs about motherhood that struck a chord with me.

In the movie, Charlotte was suppressing her frustrations of being a mother with a 5 year old and a 2 year old who were always crying. Miranda emphatized by sharing how despite loving her son dearly, she missed working and being a mother wasn't enough for her. Charlotte then went on to reveal how her girls drove her crazy everyday and sometimes she would just run into a seperate room and leave her 2 year old to cry by herself.

Watching this scene brought a tear to my eyes. I felt as though I had met some good friends who were in the same predicament as me and totally understand how I have been feeling for the past 3 years. Don't get me wrong. I love my son dearly and will never give him up for anything. I am happy and proud to be a mother, but there were times when stress got into me and I would seriously want to just tear my hair out.

Aiden was a very challenging baby for the first year of his life. It didn't help that he was a little colicky and the condition settled down when he was about 4 months old. To make this worse, he was a baby that didn't require much sleep day AND night. In fact, he really only started sleeping through the night when he was about 2.

I used to tell people that my baby didn't cry. He screamed. I can really relate to what Charlotte said in the movie about how she left her girl to cry sometimes. I did that too. In fact, I begged for Aiden to stop screaming when he was a baby. My husband was at work and my mum wasn't with me. I was stuck at home with the screaming monster and I was exhausted. So I begged him to stop crying. When he didn't, I went into another room, locked myself inside and cried too.

Being a mother is a very humbling experience. It let you discover things you never knew about yourself. Before Aiden came along, all I had was my life and my career. Everything was about me. I knew motherhood was going to be challenging but I didn't know it was that hard. I felt I had lost control over everything. I could not manage Aiden and also struggeled with breastfeeding. I missed my job and my life. In the first few months, I fell into postnatal blues. I wasn't suicidal on a daily basis but at my lowest, I did think of throwing myself out of the windows of my 16th floor apartment with my baby. I have had my fair share of ups and downs in my life but for the first time, I was struggling with something. I had kinda lost control of myself. I knew I had a problem but seeking professional help wasn't what I felt I needed. I wanted to rely on what was left of my rational mind and bring out the resilience in me that I had lost along the way in that first year of motherhood. By the time Aiden turned 1, I was on the road to being my normal self again.

Today, I am proud to say that I have come a very long way. Living in a foreign land (where you don't even speak the language) and away from friends and family is much harder than one can imagine. From a career driven woman who was quite a domestic disaster at home, I am now able to juggle housework, spend time with my son and need only an hour for preparing dinner from cooking to cleaning up.

So the reason for this post? Well I am finally at the stage where I can confidently say I am comfortable and happy with where I am. But I know me. Being a mother is fufilling but not enough. Sometimes I need a break from the role and remember what makes me as a person. I am a woman with many interests and I like to live my life with passion. Writing this blog is enjoyable and it gives me a platform to share what I love with people that are dear to me. It is also a constant reminder to never lose myself again. Living a balanced and fulfilling life while juggling my roles (as a wife, mother and daughter) and pursing my interests is what I strive for at this point of my life.

Now going back to the movie, Charlotte said she wondered how some women can do without help as a housewife and a mother (she had a full time and lived-in nanny). I nudged my husband at that point and asked if I could have a medal.